Like jumbo shrimp and a working holiday, toxic positivity is an awfully good example of an oxymoron. In addition to being a literary device, however, this state of mental being has real-world consequences.

Focusing exclusively on positive aspects of life, while rejecting anything that may trigger or elicit negative emotions or experiences, is the hallmark of toxic positivity, says Dr. Ines Sametband, PhD, an assistant professor with Mount Royal’s Department of Psychology. This forced optimism can be thought of as an unbalanced response to experiences such as hopelessness, pain or hurt, she says.

“When we hide, or pretend that everything is great when it’s not, our relationships with others suffer. Responding to others with toxic positivity signals that we’re unwilling to engage, share and listen to others’ experiences,” Sametband says.

Dr. Ines Sametband, PhD

“Pretending or pushing aside these experiences — instead of recognizing them as part of life — can influence us into distancing and disconnecting from others, which in turn may trigger further toxic positivity. So we’re caught up in a vicious circle of pretending that all is great, which limits opportunities for meaningful encounters with others, resulting in more isolation and feeling misunderstood.”

In addition to contributing to isolation, toxic positivity requires a hefty dose of emotional and mental effort as it involves transforming and editing events that are perceived as less positive so that they fit the category of “awesome,” Sametband says. Because we’re socialized to believe that life should be happy, successful and effortless 24/7, it seems that we’re doing the right thing in trying to stay endlessly positive.

This is unsustainable and exhausting, but Sametband has some practical tips for supporting those stuck in the toxic positivity loop.

Lead with compassion, she advises. Sharing a variety of your own experiences along the emotional spectrum — the good, the bad, the ugly — can “help normalize human experiences as involving a range of emotions, not always positive or negative only.”

She also refers to the work of Canadian family therapist Dr. Allan Wade, PhD. Wade proposed a shift in how the field of psychology views resistance. Traditionally, it can be seen as an obstacle to change. But Wade, in working with victims of violence and oppression, recognized that by resisting they were engaging in “small acts of living.” For example, this could be resisting the urge to respond violently to violence, instead showing opposition to violence by resisting it non-violently.

“Rather than being caught in a false dichotomy — either things are ‘wonderful’ or ‘the worst’ — we can recognize ways through these 'small acts of living' in which this restrictive dichotomy can be gently resisted and abandoned,” Sametband says. “For example, try reflecting on the societal messages you receive about what life should be like and consider whether these messages really speak to how you want to live.”

Put simply, by not insisting everything is perfect and all problems are solvable, happiness may be more easily achieved.